by Alberta Parish
As a single woman in a patriarchal society, we must be ever vigilant when it comes to protecting ourselves from abusive men. Girls need to know starting from a very young age that it is never acceptable to be physically abused by any boy or man. However, many still end up as adults in abusive relationships and marriages wondering what they did to deserve the abuse, why things are the way they are, and if they have what it takes to break free from their abusive partners. It is never easy for a woman especially if she has children by an abusive man to quickly pack up the children and escape for her life. Millions of women have been murdered as a result of domestic violence in the United States. Many women are incarcerated today as a result of domestic violence. With multiple social programs for battered and abused women, many have been able to rebuild their lives. But many have also been found by their abusive partners and murdered leaving their children to grow up in orphanages. Unfortunately, this is the sad reality of the world even in the church world. Domestic violence against women never stopped at the doors of a Christian home or at the doors of a church ministry. Instead, it is part of the culture. It is the big elephant in the room that is often hidden from the view of the public or prying eyes. It is almost never discussed from pulpits in many churches even though many male preachers and deacons abuse their wives, and end up in divorce court. Some cannot bring themselves to admit they are the reason for the demise of their marriage, and constantly look for sympathy from other women. These abusive men want other women to coddle them, and nurse them back to health when they deserve everything they’re going through. They made bad choices, and now they are reaping the reward of their choices. These same abusive men often think that by getting married for a second time, this will somehow solve all their problems. But there is nothing a woman can do with an already broken man who doesn’t acknowledge his faults and who doesn’t know how to control his rage toward women.
There is an underlying cause behind the psychology of an abusive and domineering man. Usually, men who love to dominate women are natural cowards. Only a coward would physically intimidate, control and abuse a woman who has less body strength and who may be smaller in height than him. This same abusive guy will often not fight another man in the same manner he physically fights his wife or woman. He will often quickly back down from another man whether it is a police officer, someone of the same height, or even of a lesser height.
Because a lot of black men living in the United States carry an ingrained inferiority complex and often feel powerless in this system, the only way many think they can have the upper hand and exercise some power in their lives is through controlling and dominating women, especially black women. Whether their domineering ways are displayed in having multiple sex partners or abusing women, it is their need to manipulate and control others that is the source of their dysfunctional behavior. But the underlying cause goes much deeper than the need to manipulate and control other human beings. All forms of human control are an ancient practice, beginning with the trafficking of human beings. Many civilizations were built by human slavery. In order to control the masses, you must first control their minds and maintain all forms of control over their lives. It was written that ancient otherworldly beings who came down from the sky watched over humanity. But there were other evil ones who destroyed humanity, and had an insatiable lust for power over God’s creation.
He will often quickly back down from another man whether it is a police officer, someone of the same height, or even of a lesser height.
Since women and children are the weaker physical vessels, it was easy for the males in ancient societies such as Sumeria, Babylon, Persia, Greece and Rome to dominate women and children. Just as the practice was in ancient times to rape the women of a conquered people, women today are subjected to this same practice. It is the culture in Afghanistan for grown men to rape little boys. American children are also brutally raped by Americans of all nationalities. Child abuse including of a sexual nature such as rape is probably the most traumatizing event that can happen to children. Unfortunately, children are reproduced by abusive men, and therefore, many are being abused by their fathers. In fact, the prison population is filled with men and women who suffered all kinds of physical and/or sexual abuse as children.
“In the United States, 1 in 6 state male inmates reported being physically or sexually abused before age 18, and many more witnessed interpersonal violence. Over half of male inmates (56%) reported experiencing childhood physical trauma (Wolff).”
Since much of the prison industrial complex comprises black men and black women, these statistics are not too far off from the real truth. It is my estimate that the numbers of male prison inmates during the time of the writing of the above journal, who have suffered physical abuse and sexual trauma as children, were greater than the above stated statistics. Much of the violence perpetuated against women and children go unreported by the traditional media just like thousands of pedophile rings, and the massive number of children who go missing in these United States of America each and every day. Harvesting healthy organs, child trafficking, and sex trafficking is a multi-billion dollar industry that involve government, huge corporations and the human scum that work for them. Some of the world’s most illustrious people traffic in the world of pedophilia and adult prostitution. Hollywood is full of pedophiles and Satanists, many famous and others not so famous. Satanists are performing ritual sacrifice of children and adults on a massive scale. They have come out of the shadows, and the evidence of their crimes is no longer hidden.
Physical and sexual violence against women and children is about having the power to control another human being who is the weaker physical vessel or seems to be powerless. A violent rape is not about the physical pleasure; it is about one human being having power over another and making another submissive to his will.
I have heard a man tell me that he only slapped his wife one time and she apologized to him afterwards. I could tell that he really felt justified in his actions. But long before he slapped his wife the first time, he was already verbally and emotionally abusive to her before that. Abuse is often subtle. It doesn’t just knock on your door and announce itself saying, “I’m here to cause damage to your marriage and bring disharmony to your household.” It begins with the occasional verbal attack and name-calling. Then, it graduates to physical intimidation and threats. Eventually, an abusive man starts grabbing you by the shoulders and neck to display his physical strength and claims that he had to do this to put you in your place. If a man hits you once and you remain with him, he won’t have any respect for you. A man who slaps you in the face one time will also slap you in the face for a second, third, fourth, and fifth time. It is a known fact that most abusive men don’t just smack their wives or girlfriends once; they do it multiple times. He is a domineering person who was abusive to his wife for years in the way he repeatedly berated her, disrespected her, intimidated her, and smacked her when she pissed him off. It is my honest opinion that she divorced him after years of verbal assaults against her character and emotional abuse along with slapping her in the face. And she should have left him the first time he hit her. Why do women remain in abusive marriages/relationships? Is it for financial security or for the children? You are not doing your children any favors by remaining with their abusive father.
As a single black woman, I have met guys who thought they were going to handle me any kind of way or felt I should submit myself to them after only knowing them for two weeks, or a month, or not knowing them at all. Some of these guys seemed normal to me at first, but what is normal in a patriarchal system? Who are the so-called normal men in our patriarchal culture? In Saudi Arabia, it is also the norm by the men in their culture to stone women for adultery, under Sharia law. In the scriptures of the Old Testament, women were often stoned for adultery. It is also found in the Old Testament scriptures that men who raped a woman also had to marry her and remain with her for the rest of his life. Under the Mosaic law, rape was punishable by death. Therefore, a rapist was forced to marry his victim or face execution. Biblical scriptures also speak about men divorcing the wife of their youth and treating her treacherously like many do today. But I don’t hear too many men quoting the bible verse to me about not treating the wife of his youth treacherously.
It begins with the occasional verbal attack and name-calling. Then, it graduates to physical intimidation and threats.
Again, what is normal in a patriarchal system? Is it normal to beat your wife and children bloody, because the bible says that the husband is the head of his household? Did Jesus tell you to smack your wife in the face whenever she did something you did not like? Ephesians 5:25: “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it.” Love doesn’t smack your wife upside the head and face, does it? Love doesn’t beat your woman or wife, and leave her with scars and bruises all over her face and body.
Complete honesty between a husband and wife is not something that many men know how to practice. However, when it comes to controlling, beating and bashing women, many are very good at that. What I find particularly disturbing about abusive men who love to dominate and beat women is many don’t see anything wrong with their actions. Many abusive and domineering men love to use biblical verses to justify their abuse and control of women. But did Christ justify a husband abusing and dominating his wife? Did any of His apostles justify physical violence and control of women? For the past several months, someone whose wife divorced him has repeatedly quoted biblical verses at me about the man being the head of his household. He emphatically stated that men want to feel like they have the upper hand in a relationship, that he was going to be the one to have the final say in all decisions, and women should submit to their men. But this is not scriptural. The apostles never quoted that men should have the upper hand in their relationship or marriage with a woman or wife. It is not scriptural that men should make all the decisions for women. Neither is it written that an unmarried woman should submit herself to a man. It is written, however, that wives should submit to their husbands in all things, as their husbands also submit themselves unto Christ. But a lot of unsaved men who are abusive and controlling of women use these same bible verses to justify their abusive and controlling ways. If you do not submit yourself unto Christ, then you really cannot expect your wife to submit herself unto you in all things. If you’re not truly a man of God following the example of Christ and submitting yourself to Him alone, then you cannot expect your wife to submit to you in all things. If you are a married man, you are already in a spirit of error if you’re not submitting yourself unto Christ in all things.
There are millions of men with this exact mentality of always having to be in control of women, and this is also the source of many dysfunctional relationships and marriages. This is why many marriages end up in divorce court for irreconcilable differences and domestic violence, which is the invisible monster that enters your home and consumes everything within sight. Usually, when a man loves to boss women around and is verbally abusive to women, there is a 9/10 ratio that he is also physically violent toward women or he could be potentially violent toward women. Sometimes, it is better to be by yourself than to make a decision that will ultimately cost you more than what you were willing to pay. In your zeal to find love with another human being, sometimes you will end up finding the devil himself because there are many wolves in sheep’s clothing and they often come to church seeking saved and timid women. Many abusive men love women they feel like they can easily intimidate and dominate. And the churches are full of broken women. Broken by marriage, broken by relationships, and broken by the father of her children. But Jesus came to heal the broken hearted and to set at liberty those that are bruised. Church is the right place to receive healing of the heart, mind and spirit. Some things cannot be fixed with prescription drugs. Depression cannot be fixed with a pill. A broken spirit cannot be fixed by smoking dope or having multiple sex partners. Sexual trauma cannot be fixed with a traditional therapist and popping pills. An abusive man cannot be fixed by a good woman or even a saved woman. An abusive man who wants every woman to stroke his ego and coddle him needs Jesus, and not a woman. This type of man needs to be alone (without a woman) so that he can find Jesus for real. He doesn’t need to find another woman so that he can project his emotional and psychological illnesses unto her.
As a black woman who has never suffered physical violence from any man, I have examined the lives of other women and also hear horror stories about women in abusive relationships/marriages. The first thing I wonder about is the psychology behind a woman that chooses to remain in an abusive relationship/marriage for many years. What I recognize is a lot of women were broken in childhood. A lot of them were rape victims. A lot of them were physically, verbally and emotionally assaulted as children. A lot of abused women look healthy, dress well, look sophisticated, seem intelligent, and have money to take care of their needs and some of their wants. But these same abused women have no hope and no faith. A lot of these abused and battered women are church-going women with no faith in God. They lack self-esteem, and are also irresponsibility. If you have children in close proximity of an abusive man and choose to keep your children hostage in this dysfunctional environment, you are irresponsible with the lives of your children and are putting them at risk for physical/emotional harm and worse. You are not setting a good example for your children by remaining with an abusive partner. You are doing more harm than good to your children by letting them witness your abuse by their father or another man.
If you’ve been living with a man for several years who doesn’t want to make you his wife, doesn’t respect you, smacks you around, and verbally assaults you every chance he gets, what does that say about you as a person? You should never give any man all that power to control you. You may be the weaker physical vessel, but you can be strong through Christ and His Father, by your faith. You can also take action and say, “I’m not going to continue letting you hit me and dog me.” Then, pack your stuff and make arrangements for you and the children to stay with a friend or relative until you can obtain suitable housing. Children should be raised in a happy home with loving parents. Domestic violence is also the reason many black children are depressed and dysfunctional. Their dysfunctional behavior is often on display in school and juvenile court. It takes Jesus to grab hold of a child’s life and turn it into something beautiful in which he or she end up growing into functional adults. Sometimes, abused children do not always turn out to be functional adults. The mind of a child is very fragile, which is why Satanist groups love to take children and perform ritual abuse upon them. They also take children and use them for mind control programs.
Domestic violence doesn’t just stop at the abuse of one partner. It is like cancer, which spreads throughout the body. Therefore, domestic abuse spreads from one partner to the children. You may not hit your children, but if you abuse their mother, it is like the children are also taking those licks. As a man, you are supposed to protect your wife and children. Not abuse them. Before you slap your wife, leave the house first. Cool off and come back when you have calmed down. Doing this will require self-control. Doing this is better than losing your wife or woman, because many American women do not remain with an abusive man forever. You will eventually lose her if you keep abusing her.
Wolff, Nancy. “Childhood and Adult Trauma Experiences of Incarcerated Persons and Their Relationship to Adult Behavioral Health Problems and Treatment.” International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health (2012):
bullet columnist Alberta Parish is best known as a take-no-prisoners commentator, and author of “The Evil Within Him.”