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What If Any Child’s First Abuser Was His Mother


by Alberta Parish

In the wake of tragedy involving a gunman who shot and killed his estranged wife, and 8-year-old Jonathan Martinez inside North Park Elementary School in San Bernardino, California on Monday, it is imperative that lawmakers impose a minimum of ten years in prison and tougher penalties for first time offenders of a violent crime involving the abuse of a spouse. It will not stop domestic violence in this country, but it certainly would prevent a lot of women from being murdered by their partners or ex-husbands.

More importantly than changing U.S. domestic violence laws is the need for American black women to be more discerning of those whom they are dealing with and dating versus looking for a man to support them financially or fill an emotional void that maybe 6 out of 10 black women have because of childhood trauma that many have kept buried deep down inside for so many years, but later manifests in every area of their lives whether it is in their relationships/marriages, their professional careers, their family, and even their personal relationships as well as daily interactions with other women. The way many black women often deal with each other is very distasteful as it involves blatant disrespect toward others, unkindness toward others, unprofessional behavior toward others, and even pettiness as well as catty behavior toward others.

I have not only stood witness to the way a lot of black women interact with one another in a negative manner, but I have been on the receiving end of negativity along with verbal attacks from often jealous, gossiping, and backstabbing black women who often come across as being very unhappy with their lives, unhappy with their partners or husbands, unhappy with their children, and overall miserable.

There is an old saying that misery loves company, and miserable people often cannot stand to see happy people. Much of this dysfunctional behavior among a lot of black women stems from a place of insecurity, and the fact that many grew up in dysfunctional households where the father was often absent from the home and really was not a part of his daughter’s life for various reasons. Many little black girls grew up in households where they were sexually, verbally and physically abused by their mother’s boyfriend(s), or their mothers physically and verbally abused them, or never had a kind word for them, or neglected them. Unfortunately, many black women are not mentally and emotionally capable of being an efficient parent. Many parents lack natural love for their children, and are failing miserably as parents.

The mother is truly the first teacher in the home. If a brother doesn’t feel he has to respect a black woman, where did he first learn this concept? Why are your sons robbing and killing? Why are they in and out of prison? Why are they abusive to the women in their lives? I think far too long, black women have assigned a huge majority of the blame to black men—particularly, the father(s) of their children—for the many troubles plaguing the black community as well as the absenteeism of fathers in the home. As a form of punishment, many black women will keep the father from seeing his children, because she’s mad at him for leaving her for another woman. They will use the children to punish their father! A lot of black women don’t even have respect for themselves let alone another woman! A lot of black women do not respect their bodies! Many care more about men than they do their own children! Many have social media accounts where they solicit sex in exchange for money, and their teenage children know about it! Many are very unfaithful in their relationships and cannot be trusted! Children imitate what they see! They are a reflection of their parents! Therefore, where did your son learn that women are to be treated like whores? He learned it from many of you!





Certain churches are packed with some very lonely and broken black woman, some of whom have been in abusive and violent relationships with their child’s father. The psychology of any woman who chooses to remain in an abusive relationship or marriage is one of dysfunction, emotional illness, and mental instability. It is my opinion that any woman with children who chooses to remain in an abusive marriage is endangering the lives of her children. If anything awful should happen to a child such as sexual or physical assault (leaving scars and bruises) during an event in which a man has also perpetuated violence against a partner or wife, the state should prosecute both parents for child abuse, child endangerment, and even attempted murder. Often, a woman will remain with a controlling and abusive man over the pleas of her own children to pack up and leave him. Unfortunately, Karen Smith lost her life on Monday because she made the decision to move on from an abusive man that she had known well over four years, but only recently married. Allegedly, Smith’s ex-husband, Cedric Anderson and she had been friends four years and, according to the victim’s mother, Anderson changed after the couple got married.

With a history of domestic violence, Anderson did not change from being non-abusive to abusive in a matter of days or weeks. There were signs present while the couple dated, but Smith chose to ignore them. With a possible Christian background, Smith was like so many other women in the church who just wanted a good man to come home to at night or felt she needed a husband to avoid fornication. It is highly unlikely that Anderson had any true compassion or love for Karen Smith.

A common dysfunctionality among many black women is their ability to choose all the wrong types of men. Sometimes, it is better to be alone and allow the Lord to be the sole “Comforter” in your life rather than make choices based upon your desires of the flesh or the emotions. Once a woman enters a sexual relationship with a man, her emotions sometimes dictate every action she makes in that relationship. A woman’s emotions will cause her to stay with a man who doesn’t respect her, who cheats on her with other women, and who is abusive to her. For the Christian, it is of the utmost importance that we do not enter into unholy alliances. These unholy alliances include sexual relationships with individuals to whom we are not married, and having affairs with married individuals. It is also important that we do not marry those who do not share our belief system. It is rather difficult for a Christian who is married to someone that rails against Christianity or God, and could possibly be an atheist. Yet, many Christian women due to desperation and loneliness will involve themselves with a possible atheist.

Another common dysfunctionality among many black women is the need for them to constantly compete with other women including non-black women. If your husband has cheated on you with another woman, why are you fighting the woman who has probably been deceived by your husband? If your husband cheated on you, why would you cheat with another woman’s husband? Why are you fighting other women over a man who is not even your husband? Why do many black women look at other women and instantly become jealous? Why are so many black women constantly gossiping about other women in the workplace? Why are so many black women miserable with their lives and set out to make other black women around them miserable? These miserable women are everywhere: the church, on your job, the grocery store. This is a prevalent dysfunctionality among many black women, which has been the topic of many black social media personalities and has also been discussed in many online forums for years.

As a black woman, I see the insecurities of many black women—older and younger. If many black women did not have low self-esteem, a lot of them would not stay with abusive men and would not favor men over their own children. If many black women would allow the Lord to heal their broken heart, a lot of them would not have multiple sex partners exposing themselves to all types of sexually transmitted diseases. If many black women loved the Lord more than themselves, they would give up their life of fornication and sleeping with other women’s husbands. If they loved God more than themselves, they would stop soliciting sex online. If many black women cared about their children, they would bring them to a bible-believing church and teach them about God instead of teaching them how to treat black women like whores and how to be physically, emotionally and verbally abusive to other people. If many black women weren’t so miserable, they wouldn’t bring that dysfunction into the workplace. If many black women weren’t so catty and petty, they’d have far better relationships with everyone including their partners or husbands.

If someone told you to jump off a bridge, would you do it? Because many of you behave toward others based on somebody else’s negative perception or opinion of others. There is a huge difference between being a follower and a leader. A true leader would never stop talking to someone because another woman told her to. There are way too many followers and not enough leaders. There are far too many black women with a follower mentality. Why would you allow another woman to lead you in the opposite direction when it comes to your natural ability to relate to other people because that person didn’t like who you were talking to? You should never formulate opinions of another person based upon someone else’s disapproval of that individual. There are far too many petty and catty black women in the workplace and elsewhere who engage in this type of behavior and negative influence. I can only imagine if many black women carry on like this in the workplace what their children and/or partner may be dealing with when she is at home.

I came from a loving household with only one parent—my mom—who did a heck of a job instilling love and kindness within me to the point where I can feel empathy for others and have humanity. My mom is a very good role model in my life, and is a constant example of how a woman should conduct herself in a manner that is positive. She is not the only good role model in my life. My spiritual leader—my pastor—is also a very good role model in my life.

Many young black women are under the direct influence of miserable and dysfunctional black women whether they’re in the family, on the job, or elsewhere. It is imperative that young girls have the right role models in their lives because if any young girl is guided by a corrupt role model, this same little girl will end up as another dysfunctional black woman in America. We already got way too many dysfunctional black women now, and these numbers do not need to increase. Older black women need to teach young women that they need to keep themselves for marriage, and not easily give their bodies to any man who comes along and offers monetary gifts. All money is not good money. Many older black women can’t really teach the younger black women how to keep themselves for marriage, because they are too busy competing with the younger women for the same men. Young black women need to know that it is not okay to have multiple babies with multiple sex partners who are often financially and physically unable or unwilling to help them raise the children.

Sometimes, black women don’t want to hear the truth, because many want to constantly lay 100 percent of the blame at the feet of black men as if many black women don’t have any problems like drug addiction, alcohol, and promiscuous activity that lead to sexually transmitted diseases. But I am here to inform my dear black women to stop acting like you didn’t do anything wrong. Take responsibility for your actions, and admit the mistakes you’ve made in all your relationships. Some of you are in your late forties and early fifties, and are still acting very catty and petty. Many of you gossip way too much. Many of you are complete backstabbers, and get people fired off their job because you are petty and jealous. This is truth time. Be honest with yourself. And many of you go to church every Sunday. How does the Lord feel about you getting people fired off their job? Have you ever thought about that? Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.

bullet columnist Alberta Parish is best known as a take-no-prisoners commentator, and author of “The Evil Within Him.”

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